Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Truth

It's been a long time in the making. Matt and I have tried everything. I've read books, magazines, and even asked the pediatrician repeatedly when we're there. Grace is out of control. There - I said it. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, right? No matter what course of action we take it seems to make no difference. She has always been a "strong willed" and "difficult" child but it's gotten so beyond that. I feel awful for the Evan and the babies because the entire "feel" of the house is controlled by her tantrums and angry rages. They aren't just usual 2-3 year old tantrums. They are rages as I call them. The doctors keep saying, "Oh it's just her age." And to "Be patient and work through it." I've tried. And cried. And tried some more. It's literally to the point where I'm scared to take her in public anymore because you never know what will set her off. The smallest things will send her spinning completely out of control. We don't go places and do fun things because of it.
I have such guilt. Such overwhelming and unending guilt. I ruined her. I didn't parent her correctly. Evan is starting to behave like her because he looks up to her. This house is such a tense and uneasy place all the time. I feel just sick to think about raising the twins in an environment like this. I've order even more books looking for answers or other things to try. I've even gone as far as to cut out certain foods and food colorings to see if that's a trigger for her since one study suggested it. Do you know how hard it is to feed your three year old food without certain food colorings?! But I did it, and for weeks and nothing changed.
Lately I've been yelling more. And secretly crying more. I know that it's wrong. I know I shouldn't do it. I KNOW it is just making things worse. Making things worse with Grace and just worsening my guilt to the point of getting physically ill. I'm beyond the end of my rope. I'm ashamed to even write this post. Saying it out loud and to the entire world just makes me feel like more of a failure. I'm just to the point of desperation. I'm just failing her and I don't know how to make things better for her. I want to see her happy and I rarely ever do. She is always throwing tantrums and yelling and crying and complaining. She just never seems happy. I want someone to come to the rescue and tell me what to do. How to make things better. But in the end I will forever feel like it's my fault. Like I caused her to be this way.

2 comments:

Heidi said...

Lindsay,
I'm so sorry. You are not a failure. At the risk of putting myself out there I'm going to offer up my own personal experiences as a child. When I was a little older than Grace until I was 10 year old, I threw horrible temper tantrums and wet the bed. I could never verbalize what was wrong and nothing worked to correct my behavior. My mom spanked me, yelled, screamed, and generally was at her wits end. When I was 10 years old we took a family vacation and I spent one on one time with my Dad. The bed wetting and tantrums stopped. My Dad worked two, sometimes, three jobs so my mom could stay home with myself and my brother. I rarely saw him. I don't say this to heap more guilt on you, I promise. I’m quite sure that you and your husband are simply doing the very best you can to provide for your children, trust me I understand and have my own guilt about working. Maybe Grace needs/misses one on one time with you and your husband. I'm sure that will be very hard, but it may help. Again, I'm not saying this is the solution; just offering up my life experience as a maybe; for what it's worth.
Praying for you and your little ones,
Heidi

chillingurl said...

hey lindsay- I used to be a crazy kid when I was younger, my mom took me to the doctors they said that Red food dye made me really hyper and mean. Its weird you mentioned that in your blog, because when I tell people, they are confused. But don't ever think your a bad parent, your one of the best moms! Chris and I are always more then happy to babysit when you want a break!!